The Reiter Coaching Letter

For Creating the Life You Want

Issue 10

www.stevereiter.com

February 5, 2002

What It's All About

"I heard a nice little story the other day," Morrie says.  He closes his eyes for a moment and I wait.

"Okay.  The story is about a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time.  He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air -- until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore

" 'My God, this is terrible,' the wave says.  'Look what's going to happen to me!'

"Then along comes another wave.  It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him, 'Why do you look so sad?'

"The first wave says, 'You don't understand!  We're all going to crash!  All of us waves are going to be nothing!  Isn't it terrible?'

"The second wave says, 'No, you don't understand.  You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.' "

From Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
 

Dear Friend,

I want to thank all those who wrote me expressing concern for my daughter's health. At this time, there appears to be nothing acutely wrong, and we'll know more in mid March.

Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie?  The book, by Mitch Albom, has been out for 5 years.  A friend let my wife borrow it a while back, and I read it then for the first time (Rob, I'll return it soon.  I promise!).

Tuesdays with Morrie is simple and powerful.  As the cover says, it's about "an old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson."  If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor.  Get this book; it's a gem. 

It's so good, that I'll make you an offer:  If you're really going to get it, and read it... soon, and you'll really do it (and I mean no kidding), I grant you permission to skip down to the Reader Contributions section.  Otherwise, you are obligated to continue reading the entire newsletter, clear down to the bottom.  Deal?

The book is the true story of the author's time spent with his former professor, Morrie Schwartz, as Morrie's illness progressed toward his inevitable death.  Morrie had ALS, what is commonly called Lou Gehrig's Disease, a "brutal, unforgiving illness of the neurological system."  As you might imagine, the lessons that Album learns from this dying man are about what makes life important. 

In my work as a coach, I believe that one of the most valuable things I do for my clients is keep what's most important to them in front of them, so that what they most value in their lives informs their decisions as they are making them... and is not an afterthought. 

By the time I was half-way through my first reading of Tuesdays, the book had so many little paper "flags" stuck out of it to help me locate the good quotes, I had to acknowledge that they were becoming meaningless.  Just open the book and read a passage.  It is that kind of a book. 

So, without further ado, here are a few tidbits:
 

    "Everyone knows they're going to die," he said again, "but nobody believes it.  If we did, we would do things differently."
    So we kid ourselves about death, I [Mitch Album] said.
    "Yes.  But there's a better approach.  To know you're going to die, and to be prepared for it at any time.  That's better.  That way you can actually be more involved in your life while you're living."
    How can you ever be prepared to die?
    "Do what the Buddhists do.  Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'Is today the day?  Am I ready?  Am I doing all I need to do?  Am I being the person I want to be?' "
    He turned his head to his shoulder as if the bird were there now.
    "Is today the day I die?" he said.

---

    Why is it so hard to think about dying?
    "Because," Morrie continued, "most of us all walk around as if we're sleepwalking.  We really don't experience the world fully, because we're half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do."
    And facing death changes al that?
    "Oh, yes.  You strip away all that stuff and you focus on the essentials.  When you realize you are going to die, you see everything much differently.
    He sighed. "Learn how to die, and you learn how to live."

---

    "We've got a form of brainwashing going on in our country," Morrie sighed.  "Do you know how they brainwash people?  They repeat something over and over.  And that's what we do in this country.  Owning things is good.  More money is good.  More property is good.  More commercialism is good. More is good.  More is good.  We repeat it -- and have it repeated to us -- over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise.  The average person is so fogged up by all this, he has no perspective on what's really important anymore.
    "Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new.  Gobble up a new car... a new piece of property... the latest toy.
    "You know how I always interpreted that?  These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes.  They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back.  But it never works...
    "Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.  I can tell you, as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have."

---

    "Forgive yourself before you die.  Then forgive others."

---

And finally:

    "Make peace with living." ...
    "It's natural to die," he said again.  "The fact that we make such a hullabaloo over it is all because we don't see ourselves as part of nature.  We think because we're human we're something above nature." ...
    "We're not.  Everything that gets born, dies."  He looked at me.
    "Do you accept that?"
    Yes.
    "All right," he whispered, "now here's the payoff.  Here is how we are different from these wonderful plants and animals.
    "As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away.  All the love you created is still there.  All the memories are still there.  You live on -- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here." ...  "Death ends a life, not a relationship."

Get it?  Well, get the book anyway.  It's available everywhere, including your public library.

Reader Contributions and Input

In the 1/15/02 Letter ("Cutting Yourself Some Slack"),  I reported on my inability to focus on composing that issue, having been distracted by what might have been a serious medical issue for my daughter... and then the sudden blossoming of a cold. 

In addition to the many expressions of concern, mentioned at the top, I received the following thoughts: 

Looking for the Gift
Thanks, Steve, for reminding us that we're all human. When my mother died of cancer at 48, the motto she left behind was "look for the gift". I realize now how much I do that (often to the point of absurdity) but it really does add value. 

My thoughts about your situation: 

What a relief that your daughter seems to be ok. The gift? What an incredible opportunity to remind yourself how much you really treasure her (as parents doing the day-to-day, it's so easy to let go of that). Also, that she can reach out to parent you ("don't worry dad") even as you are parenting her.

And your cold: that's just the universe giving you permission to take care of yourself after a scare. I mean really, isn't giving ourselves permission to stay in bed for a day one of the best treats we can have as adults in this rush-rush world?

Drink lots of warm tea. Try hot water, lemon juice and honey; or hot water and fresh grapefruit juice (half and half). Use the expensive kleenex. :)

Find Previous Articles and Reader Contributions on my web site at archives. 

Remember, I welcome your input.

Please send me:
Stories, vignettes, quotations, and short essays that speak to you in some important way.

And tell me...
What do you want to hear about in the near future? 
What issues are you "dancing" with at the moment?
On what issues would additional perspectives be valuable?
May I post your contribution?  Do you wish to be identified as the contributor, and if so, how?
 

May Peace --  and an open heart -- be with you.

 Steve

Want more satisfaction and fulfillment in your life?  Looking to simplify your day-to-day living?  I can help.  To explore the value of Life Coaching for you, call 315-472-0504 for a complimentary coaching session.  Or send an e-mail to: coach@stevereiter.com, or visit my web site at 
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The Reiter Coaching Letter is published by Steve Reiter on the first and third Tuesday of each month.  The purpose is to challenge you and support you in creating success and fulfillment throughout your life.

The names of newsletter subscribers will never be shared or sold.

Unless otherwise indicated, all content is written and edited by Steve Reiter, MS, PCC.  You are welcome to republish any or all parts of this newsletter; I ask only that you honor the copyright by including full acknowledgment and a listing of my contact information (name, e-mail, web site).

The Reiter Coaching Letter
Copyright (c) 2001, all rights reserved.
U.S. Library of Congress ISSN: Coming Soon.  Wondering just how long I could expect to wait for my ISSN registration number, I revisited the Library of Congress website.  There I found the announcement that they have not accepted mail since the beginning of October!  So I resubmitted my application.

And Hey!  Congrats for reading all the way down to the bottom!  Let me know by February 10, 2002, and you can have a free 1/2 hour coaching session.  Work on anything you want.  No obligation to continue.  This offer is available to my current and past clients, as well.