Reiter Coaching Letter

The Reiter Coaching Letter

For Creating the Life You Want

Issue 4

www.stevereiter.com

November 6, 2001

The Reiter Coaching Letter: a bi-weekly newsletter of inspiration, resources, humor, and challenge... and a quick read.
Written & Published by Steve Reiter, MS, PCC www.stevereiter.com
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People facing death don't think about what degrees they have earned, what positions they have held, or how much wealth they have accumulated. At the end, what really matters is whom you love and who loved you."

- Bernadine Healy, MD

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.

- Evelyn Waugh

Dear friend,

I wrote the following piece on August 30th, intending it to be the text of the first issue of the Letter. Naturally, the events of September 11^thdemanded a different focus for a while. But a week ago, I got a phone call...

Cultivating Friendships

I just sent an e-mail to the alumni association of my college. I have been thinking, lately, about locating the man who was my best friend at the time. We were not inseparable, but we were buddies. We hung out together, were politically active together, almost made it to Woodstock together, didn’t inhale together, and helped each other deal with growing into adulthood. We clearly loved each other.

And yet, within a year after I moved on to graduate school and he to employment we lost track of each other. Proximity and shared activities no longer provided the glue to keep us together. And yet… and yet 30 years later I still hold a fondness for him, and there's a part of me that wants him back.

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out.
- Talleyrand (of Mme. de Staël)

In the meantime, of course, I have since gathered other fine friends. Many of them have been in my life for most of the same 30 years, while others are only recent additions.

Some are my “canoe buddies,” dear old friends who gather at least yearly for a week in the Adirondacks, and, less regularly, for dinner and family events. E-mail provides us with interim contact. These guys are special to me, though, frankly, I suspect others may see us as a gaggle of odd ducks. We have supported each other through weddings and divorces, births and deaths. My wife may know and love these guys, but not in the way that I do.

During these same 30 years, I have lived at least 5 hours away from all my official relatives; my wife lives across the ocean from hers. But we are not devoid of local family, having relationships with others which provide that more encompassing sense of family. They’re not my official family… and yet they are family.

Naturally, there are many others in between. All are important, even though they may be less intimate or less long-lived.

The best mirror is an old friend.

- English proverb

Having solid friends in my life increases my stability and resilience. I know – with greater certainty than I might otherwise – that I will weather life's many storms. I have more fun. I have significantly more resource for information, company, challenge, emotional support, and companionship than I would without them.

Having strong friendships supports my marriage, as well. Not only do I have a valuable ear when my wife and I get into a time of difficulty, but the ongoing relationships my friends have with my children gives my wife and me more time for ourselves.

True of False?
If you have one true Friend, you have more than your Share comes to.
- Thomas Fuller

The notion of writing about friends came to me from the October 2001 Utne Reader, which has several interesting articles on this subject. A few ditties gleaned from them:

Stanford U. psychology professor Laura Carstensen’s research suggests that it is the quality of relationships, not the quantity, that counts most. In fact, she found that “three is the critical friend number. If you have three people in your life that you can really count on, then you are doing as well as someone who has 10 friends. Or 20, for that matter. If you have fewer than three friends, then you could be a little precarious.”
Friends come in various “flavors”: lifelong, summer-long, old, new, wild, casual, “soul-deep”... and they're all grand.
It doesn't take much to make a friendship work.

Walking the talk.
Okay. So what have I done lately to actually nourish my friendships?

thought about and purchased birthday gifts
helped a friend from out of town get a repair on photo equipment in a shop near my home
sent e-mails of humor, oddity, and commiseration
met for breakfast and lunches
borrowed camping equipment from five friends (giving them a chance to be of help to me) gave it back clean and in good condition, and thanked them for it.
had some over for dinner
called one long-distance
included them in birthday celebrations
given many hugs
signed my communications with “Loving you – “

"As the saying goes, 'It’s not rocket science!'"

- Steve Reiter

Now it’s your turn.
Some of you have it down, perhaps better than do I. Great!

Some of you have let too many important relationships take a back seat in your life. Fortunately, all it takes is a little commitment to change things followed by a bit of action.

Change starts by putting your attention on what exists and what you want.

How many trusting and exciting relationships do you have?
Does that feel right for you?
What can you do in a half hour or even 15 minutes that would nourish your friendships?
What’s your magic…What special gifts do you have that you love to share but haven’t lately?

The end.

OK, OK! So what about the phone call?
Well, the alumni association forwarded a letter to the person they believed was my college friend, Bob. And about a week ago, Bob sent me an e-mail! Since that time, we had one wonderful time running up his phone bill. It turns out that he, too, had tried to find me a couple of years ago, but was unsuccessful in doing so.

Now, of course, the real commitment begins. It sure feels like we have something permanent here, but what ultimately becomes of our friendship depends completely on us... and on our follow-through.

I welcome your comments.

Warmly -

Steve

Want more satisfaction and fulfillment in your life? Looking to simplify your day-to-day living? I can help. To explore the value of Life Coaching for you, call 315-472-0504 for a complimentary coaching session. Or e-mail to: coach@stevereiter.com, or visit my web site at
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The Reiter Coaching Letter is published by Steve Reiter on the first and third Tuesday of each month. The purpose is to challenge you and support you in creating success and fulfillment throughout your life.

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Unless otherwise indicated, all content is written and edited by Steve Reiter, MS, PCC. You are welcome to republish any or all parts of this newsletter; I ask only that you honor the copyright by including full acknowledgment and a listing of my contact information (name, e-mail, web site).